I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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