listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
