I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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