Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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