I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
