apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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