we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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