Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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