ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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