The maid of honor just puked.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just threw up on my dentist
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
