He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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