Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
