I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
