Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
