next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You left your phone here
Wait...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
