and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
