I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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