i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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