ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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