am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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