the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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