he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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