I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
