Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
