Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
