I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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