i permit you to call me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
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