I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
