my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it hurts more in the daytime
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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