I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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