Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
