We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
