opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
