My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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