Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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