theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
