i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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