Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
