I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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