Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
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do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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