she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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