He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
