i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
