I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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