I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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