areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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