just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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