We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
