i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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