i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
