that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
