tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
