Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I checked into jail on foursquare
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
