I'm jealous of your bromance
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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