Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
