Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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