I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
